#why am i making this so hard for myself i literally have the technology

[dirt-str1der]

Im like giggling and shit thinking about how me and dante are going to be vashwood , finally the four fingers will have me date every member (remembers im the number one vashwood hater) oh no

[euphoria-looney]

Who Said Money Can't Buy Happiness?

Yan!Batfam x Neglected!Reader

m. list|prev|next

"Three things don't play about myself, my money, or my man. Mention one of them and best believe I'm gon' be at your head." 'Neva Play' by Megan Thee Stallion ft. RM

Divider Creds: @selysie , @lil-liaa and @bernardsbendystraws

This plot was inspired by @niwaart, @mimiiiiiiiiisstuff, and esp @coldilikeit

Oh crap, I'm still here.

Despite what manhwas tells you, being sent back in time is not fun. There is no technology, no social media, and I'm being literal here. I've regressed, and the social standards are so goofy. I shouldn't complain too much; I got a high title for reincarnating.

This sucked. I thought that was all a dream yesterday, this can't be happening to me.

Well, I have 500,000 gold coins, which makes me one of the richest people in the world.

Imagine this currency: copper, silver, and gold.

Since I've woken up, I might put the plan that I had in my mind into action.

Let's see if this is just like the movies.

I clapped my hands, and my magic started working. It was getting me ready, brushing my hair, changing my clothes, and applying skincare!

Why did I struggle so hard with the maids yesterday if it was this easy?! I guess that part was on me, but let's be honest, I did no wrong, so that mistake didn't happen.

A person knocked on my door, opening it to see a butler.

"Pardon me, princess, but I had been misguided by the other employees here and have arrived late, from today onwards, I'll be your butler."

I looked at him up and down, almost having a stroke, tell me why he looked like Aldira. My secretary? Though I did tell that biggie if I was going down, he'd come with me.

"No offense, you seem diligent at your job, but why am I not having a maid?"`

"All the maids were too afraid to become your personal assistant, and I took the position, I hope you don't mind that"

Damn, why are you so blunt?

"Your name?"

"Aldira's, Your Highness."

The way he carries himself and how he acts, on top of that, the name, why if I didn't know any better, he sounds just like my Aldira in my past life.

No, that is absurd.

Aldira's POV

For the longest time, I've had only one friend stick to me since we were at least teenagers.

My parents were strict and expected nothing but the best from me, from my grades to my activities and the future path that would await me.

My parents were at best middle class, and that I'm grateful for, don't get me wrong, but if I wasn't as intelligent as I was I would have never gone to Gotham Prep, got in with a scholarship, and excelled.

Unlike those dramatic shows or novels, I was not bullied for being the smartest in the school or being too poor to be one of them, instead, I would be what students admired and compared to.

Many people talked about me positively, and I carried an image that was something every parent would want.

But every time I checked the scoreboard, there was one person behind me in terms of rank, [name] Wayne. Though she went by [name] [last name] for some odd reason, one I would not figure out until later on.

The way we went was goofy, it wasn't cliche or anything. We had been invited to the same study group and my parents believed it would be a good opportunity to build connections with the upper class.

The study session turned boring quickly though and I was left doodling to myself while everyone was studying or asking me to help until I saw a pencil tap my journal making me lift my head to face her, [name].

"You read 'I Became the Male Lead's Adopted Daughter' too?"

That shocked me, how did she know that... is she a stalker?

Her eyes kind of pointed to my phone where the notification of a new chapter upload of the said manhwa popped up.

"Yeah, you read these types of stories too?"

"Sometimes."

And we hit it off from there.

"Can you believe some of the girls are saying we're dating?" I sipped on my black coffee as she drank her matcha latte.

"Wasn't it Parcilla, the girl who has a very weird crush on you?" She questioned me, making me nod.

"You biggie, that means I might be the next target to be bullied because of your fan club, nah, I'm too amazing to be the one bullied."

I slapped her upside the head from that comment.

Don't be fooled though, because behind her laid-back personality, she had a huge ego that could make anyone want to beat her up, she just never expresses it so she's easily likable and I enjoy that personality of hers.

Flash forward and we both have jobs and have monthly meet-ups.

I was busy typing away for my report on a report for my job as manager of a high-end company, of course, I couldn't complain. The salary was good, and I was able to save up for my family to get out of Gotham and head to another part of the world, they urged me to go but then I wouldn't be able to hang out with [name] which I know was a stupid reason but long-distance relationships were neither of our thing.

"Ugh, at this point these imbeciles won't give their report in time for our next meeting and we'll have to push it back to next week or something," I grumbled before hearing the timer go off indicating it was time to take off our face mask.

"Why don't you come and work for my company?" I heard her get up.

"Work for your company?" I repeated.

"Yeah, I mean it's non-profit, comes with many benefits including good insurance that fully works and not half-assed you, and it's triple your pay rate." My eyes widened at that preposterous claim.

"Besides, I need an assistant or secretary, it'd help me a lot." I went over to her and stole the tea that she made and took a sip.

"Fattie."

"IT'S TEA!"

"MY TEA THAT I MADE! YOU SAID THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT ANY!"

And I agreed and they're not lying when they say working together makes or breaks a relationship, as our friendship just grew even more.

Then one day on our hangouts she recommended a new novel to me.

"'I stole the loving family of the Villainess'? Now... the girl I know has no good stories at the moment, but what is this?"

"It's so bad that you want to continue reading the story. And I'm also a little biased since one of the characters has my name."

"No way."

"You want to bet?"

So I read it. And wow, she was not kidding. Also, how the hell did they incorporate her bearing a saintess into this?! As if it wasn't absurd enough...

So, while texting her what she wanted to eat while heading to our shared apartment, an out-of-control truck hit me and before I knew it I was in the story.

Talk about cliche and I arrived at the scene when [name] would shove Serena off but [name] was acting out of character making up some new dialogue, great, it's an even bigger cliche, someone reincarnates into the Villainess, bet she's going to end up forgiving everyone that was rude to her though.

Typical.

After the party and everything, Alfred, our head butler, asked us which one of the maids would volunteer to be Princess [name]'s new assistant. Since no one was going for it, I applied. I mean, the pay rate was great, and I've done my fair share in the retail industry, I know how to deal with goofy entitled customers.

So, why does she seem so familiar? I can't put my finger on it.

What if that's my [name] from my other life?

No, that's absurd and too fictional to work.

Heading to the dining room with my butler close behind, I eventually arrived.

"You're finally here big sister!" Serena's voice interrupted the wholesome family in front of me. Seems everyone had their fill already.

"You're late. Again, how disappointing." Palmola's voice was a sharp knife cutting through the silence that had developed.

"Well, I won't ruin your moods for too long, I have an appointment that I can't miss, so I'll just take this." I whisked away my breakfast and called for my new assistants to prepare a carriage for me.

"And where exactly?" Bruce demanded.

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know you cared about where I go and return from." I scrunch my face before heading off.

"I am your father [name]."

"Your majesty, the only people in this room who are talking are the Emperor and a princess, not father and daughter."

Aldira opened the carriage door, allowing me to step in before going in himself.

"May I know where you're headed today, Your Highness?" The coachman asked.

"The mine at WestFord."

"The mine that has been empty for years? Why, my lady, why would you ever need to go there?

"Exploring."

I'm taking a gamble on this and meeting John Constantine before purchasing it.

I sent him a letter before heading to bed last night and got a reply.  

'It would be an honor to sell this cavern to you, Your Highness.

Sincerely,

Duke Constantine.

Well, it was more detailed than that but that's the premise of what he wrote back.

Stepping off the carriage I arrived at the cave. I noticed the Duke.

"Your Highness, how are you doing this fine morning?" He reached out a hand for me to shake.

I took it, his grip firm before I pulled away as did he.

"No need for small talk, it seems this cave would be fine."

"Your Highness, don't you think you're being too rash?! We haven't looked yet!" Aldira came in front of my face frantically.

"I have a hunch. But do me the honor of looking around before I seal the contract."

He didn't need to hear another word before rushing in, before coming out and began making calculations with his magic.

"At best this cave should settle for 45,000 gold, right Duke Constantine?"

"Indeed, young man, Your Highness, would you mind that price?" He asked me before I nodded.

Pulling out a contract, we both read the terms and conditions before signing our names, making our names and the contract glow, making the contract finalized with no loopholes and in no way to break it unless both parties agree.

"What powerful magic you have, unlike the rumors."

 I shrugged, fanning myself, “There are things many people didn’t know about me, but what does it matter? Why should the public know anything about me?” I questioned the Duke.

He chuckled to himself before shaking his head.

“No, not at all, Your Highness, everyone has things they’d like to keep to themselves after all. May I inquire if you will attend today’s coming-of-age celebration at the Acentro Twins?” The last event we went to that became a topic that’s still being talked about most times [P!name] would stay home while the rest of her family went, worsening her reputation.

Which doesn’t make sense, shouldn’t that make it better?

This world is so hateful of my girl.

“Indeed, it would only make sense to. Well, if that’s all I should be off, I have no time to waste, after all a lady needs her time to get ready.” I walked back to the carriage, and Aldira followed me close behind.

The Marquis family, the Acentro. Known for being great in the business world, and even better for their swordsmanship abilities. Recently, the daughter of their house decided to go against society's customs and do archery. But that got overshadowed by the canceling of my engagement.

She and her brother are both very cunning and intelligent, from what I heard, so their coming-of-age ceremony will be huge, last I checked. It would be good if I made relations with them. 

“Aldira, you'll be attending the ceremony with me, no?” 

He looked away from the windows and nodded, “Yes, your highness.”

I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s from another world like me, my Aldira.

“Aldira, you seem to know a lot about business, where do you come from?”

This seemed to catch him off guard as he didn’t respond right away like he usually does.

“Somewhere far, is all. One that is rather advanced but I think it’s gone now.”

“Have you ever heard of someone named ‘Batman’? Silly, right? But that weird name just came to me.”

Batman, Gotham’s vigilante superhero. My good-for-nothing father slowly started acknowledging me after I left the manor. It’s quite uncanny how, in both lives, I still have him as my father, though that could be said for my entire family in this world except my Palmola and Serena.

That made him shocked, eyes widening, looking into mine, like he was thinking over something.

“Are you [name] [last name], Your Highness?”

“Depends, will you still make me coffee in the morning if I confirm that I am, my dear secretary.” 

At that, he practically lunged at me, wrapping his hands around my waist, his head laying on my lap, this would be a terrible position to be in. I patted his head and was also relieved about the revelation, but it was kind of obvious.

“Holy crap, this was not a cliche I expected.” He pulled away, holding onto my shoulders.

“Tell me about it, do you think there are other reincarnations in this world?” He shook his head.

“My system tells me that I’ve located the only other reincarnation in this world, I knew it was you, I just didn’t know it was my [name].” 

“System?” I asked.

“Yeah, did you not get one, I have one that shows my stats and has a quest for me to do.” This is too many story plots for me to handle.

“No, this is crazy, anyway of that system getting us home, though?” Aldira shook his head at that, making me slouch in my seat. 

I scoffed, “This has been one crazy day that I did not expect.”

“Your Highness, we have made it home.” I heard the coachman announce. Aldira helped me down. Back in this miserable place, right after I left it in my previous life. Thoughts and prayers in the chat guys. 

I decided to take a fat nap, setting an alarm before waking up to this monstrosity.

Maids running around like there was a killer on their backs, and were getting outfits and attire ready, crazy how I got no help at all though. By the time I got myself ready and was finishing the touch-ups on Aldria’s, I spotted my family in a family set of clothes all matching.

It was expected though so nothing I should worry about. 

“Wouldn’t this just cause more scandals for you [name]? We’re matching right after your broken engagement.” Aldira scolded me but didn’t back away from receiving my help.

“Don’t kill the mood, Al, just look at how cute we are matching.”

He could only sigh, massaging his forehead, but behind that was a small smile.

What could interrupt this wholesome moment, how about the buffoons behind me?

"Don't you think you've done enough damage to the family, imagine? First the engagement and now your outfit? Matching with a common servant?" Damian scoffed.

"It's called, My entire family decided to choose an outfit and left their 4th princess out of it, but still included the peasant girl. Or did I leave the part where I had a matching outfit?"

"We didn't- I just- You shouldn't speak to your little brother that way, young lady, have some etiquette.'' Palmola inquired.

"Right. My brother."

Barbara coughed into her fist.

"Well, we'd like to inform you that Serena might just be attacked riding alone so she'll have to retake your spot.

"That's fine, I wasn't planning on going in a carriage anyway, too bumpy for my taste, and wouldn't want to leave Aldira alone." I pinned our matching jewelry on his suit and brushed dirt away from his outfit.

"Anything else?" I turned to face them. Some looked hesitant but Palmola took the lead and left. Walking with grace to the carriage.

"How do you feel about teleportation? I'm not one to be late to an event."

"Would love to try it, die wanting to try it, let's do it." Aldira bluntly stated.

"If we die, you can't blame me."

"On second thought-," I snatched his hand before we got teleported.

Arriving at the front of the line, I fixed my outfit.

"That was not bad, great even." No side effects, why yes, magic truly is a blessing phenomenon. Aldira also looked fine, so it seemed I managed this spell just fine, but is anyone surprised? It's me, after all.

The guard standing there nearly jumped out of his boots and bowed lowly. "Welcome, Your Highness! Ehem, Entering her Highness, Princess [name] Wayne!"

"You see that, Al? Even in this life, I'm too important and pretty to ignore."He deadpanned at me.

"That's because you're a very, and I mean very controversial princess. In a bad way. Remember how the original princess got executed because she was rude to the peasant MC?"

"That's why I hated the novel so much, duh. I still can't believe we're stuck here," I was exasperated.

The murmurs that were once stuck in regular conversations go into gossip, between the fact that I arrived without my family once again, and that my attendant wasn't a female but rather male.

I arrived before the twins and got my gift from my special storage.

For Artemis, a bow and arrows, and Apollo, a lyre.

"What an incompetent girl! The gifts are switched." A woman scoffed

"A woman holding a bow, please, what a mockery." A man grumbled.

The twins examined the gifts before looking back up at me.

"A bow?" Artemis grinned at me with a raised eyebrow.

"And a lyre?" Apollo added.

"Indeed, I hope you guys enjoy it, I picked it based on what I believed would suit you guys." I curtsied before going down to the ballroom.

"They play a huge part in the novel in the business industry, not only that, Artemis is known for being the best huntress of the time and years later, with Apollo also being skilled in the music industry and known for understanding how to use a bow and arrow to.

Why, it'd be a shame if we let this opportunity slide to not get on their good side and eventually have them cooperate with us, my dear Aldira." Aldira only gave me a plate of food and started making one for himself.

"Yes, while you're acting like a mastermind over there, honey, how about we eat food before I pass out from the amount of stress I've accumulated." I took his and my plate and put it away on our separate table.

"Can't, dancing in a few moments, can't throw up on the dance floor, and you, being the lucky guy of the night, are joining me."

"We didn't know how to dance back at our high school dance." I flicked my hair back and accidentally hit him in the face.

He coughed out some of the hair from his mouth and squinted at me.

"Our 'dances' that we did were scandalous for their times and even more if we do it here." He's so dramatic.

"Announcing the Waynes, the moonlight of the kingdom!" that door entrance guy announced.

"Look it's Serena, her outfit makes her look so different but she fits right in!"

"I want that outfit too! So chic and cute!"

"She might as well be the fourth princess rather than-"

"Shh!"

Aldira takes another bite of his food and can't help but grit his teeth. This world was just like the last one he was in, how he was still mad when the oldies from their modern time switched their tone on you once you built your multi-billion company on your own.

Before his attention was snatched away by you again, like always uncaring, which was one of the reasons he had admired you, not only because you were his friend.

"That's what makes it fun, Al, don't be a party pooper." Just then the orchestra started, I dragged him away from the food he just got for us and reached the dance floor.

It was just slow steps, one hand on his shoulder and the other on his arm.

"Look, isn't that her?"

"Dancing with... a butler."

"Do you think..."

The chorus soon came along and I was twirled a few times by 

Aldira, before gliding in between his legs and making a swift recovery, twirled some more before he dipped me to the ground, our faces close, our bodies closer to each other and the song finished.

(Dance scene summed up, creds to the idea: @randomlyappearingartist)

"See, I told you this was fun." He could only sweatdrop and sigh before pulling the both of us up and escorting us back to the food.

"D-Did you see that?"

"Didn't she just divorce Prince Connor?"

"You don't think..."

"What other reason, and the look she gave that servant."

"There's no mistaking it."

I finished my food and stretched out of  tiredness, "Man, I wonder what got this event in a stir..." I mumbled.

"We have to schedule a meeting with the twins soon, by the way, I have to get them into my business if I want it to blossom." Aldira nodded before telling me that he was off to get more food.

"Well, I'm going to the balcony, I was feeling claustrophobic with the amount of people crowding the room.

I was on the balcony waiting for Aldira to come back soon after grabbing another plate of food. Behind me was an approaching Grand Duke of the North with signature black hair and red eyes. His outfit's color base was black with red being the secondary base, gold details that showed off the title and golden buttons, a fur coat surrounding his neck, and the cape down to his heel.

Grand Duke Isnwalt, Onyx Isnwalt. He played a major influence on the world, both feared and respected, but didn’t become a main lead but rather just an important figure in the world. I think Serena interacted with him once but her love interest got jealous and dragged her away from him, and he didn’t think much of the interaction other than that it was weird.

“What do I owe the pleasure of meeting the Grand Duke of the North, Sir Isnwalt?” I turned to him and curtsied. 

“Right now you and that butler of yours are the talk of the ball, with your dance moves from earlier, surely you would know why I approached you.” He swirled his champagne in his glass, and a deep chuckle accompanied his words.

“Why I wouldn’t say the dance was all that interesting.” I tilted my head back at him. He put his glass down on the balcony ledge and focused his attention back on me, both of us just staring back at each other before he finally spoke.

“That butler of yours… he’s interesting…” I had to turn away and let out a little stifled laugh. Never saw that coming.

I heaved a deep breath in before turning back to him.

“I-is that so?” I pinched my thigh from laughing again.

“Indeed, not like any other person I’ve ever met, would you mind letting me meet him?” Maybe it’s the way he’s so straightforward about it, or maybe it’s because he’s so serious about it, but it’s making me laugh. But I can’t- I have to hold it in.

Be who you are for your pride~

“I’ll have to think on that, Grand Duke Onyx” I spread my fan out placing it in front of my face. “For you see my butler is very important to me and we have so little time to be separate from each other as he’s such a hardworking servant to me.”

Just then, with great timing, I would say Aldira's showed up, and the Grand Duke approached him, holding his hands and giving the kiss to the tip of his fingers before staring at him.

I took a sip of my champagne, basking in the romance.

"Oh..." Aldira looked shocked before quickly pulling away. He awkwardly laughed before pulling away.

"What the hell.." Aldira scrunched up, making Onyx chuckle in a deep tone, and, what hold on is that blush coating his cheeks?

"You're not like anyone I've ever met before, you're... different, (fine shyt) darling. And you smell rather... sweet."

Wait hold on...? Smell? I feel like I'm forgetting a huge thing about this novel.

Aldira shivered from hugging himself and turned to look at me for help, making me step in.

"Aldira, This is Grand Duke, Onyx Isnwalt. An influential personal worldwide who has contributed very much to our kingdom, and has been labeled the lady and gentleman killer."

He was jaw dropped before whispering in my ear.

"Man idgaf about who he is, I'm getting harassed."

I pulled out my fan, which was my new favorite thing to do now, and whispered back.

"I understand and was going to ask for business cooperation and use you as a guinea pig, but we don't have to... unless..."

Onyx coughed into his fist, making both our attention go to him.

"Dear..."

Aldira hesitated before replying. "Aldira..."

"Aldira," He said slowly before smirking to himself.

"May I have the honor of inviting you to dinner with me? Tomorrow at the Brits Restaurant, anytime you'd like.

"Look, I appreciate the gesture-"

"50 gold as compensation for your troubles"

Aldira hesitates but his greed overcomes his thoughts and he accepts.

I felt like I was interrupting something until Aldira turned around and tugged on my sleeve. "Can we go now?" I smiled and nodded before going to the break room.

"So, how was that?" He deadpanned at me.

"Not fun." He laid his head on my shoulder but then we saw a woman with pink hair looking lost.

I approached her, making Aldira's sag down.

"Are you lost, miss..." 

“Oh! Starfire, Princess of Tamaran.” I curtsied that she was Dick’s fiance.

“Prince Richard's fiance.” I stood up and looked at her.

“You know him?”

“I am a citizen of Wayne's Kingdom.” I played it off.

“My escort and I could take you to him.” Aldira stood up and walked next to me.

“We can?” I elbowed his stomach.

“Yes, we can.”

As we made it forward, you could see the picture-perfect family, a girl in the center of their attention laughing, with a cute little giggle.

“Ehem” I coughed into my fist.

“[N-name] I wasn’t-” Serena started… I think she has the wrong impression on why I’m here.

“Not you, you” I directed my attention to Dick

“Your fiance has been waiting for you, big brother.” 

“Big brother? But he only has four? And if you're not the three I've already met you must be the youngest... however, you’re not the blonde girl with blue eyes." Starfire asked, though not in a mocking way but geniuen curiosity.

This was a major plot point in the future that [name] goes batshit crazy on.

However, I could feel my eye twitching, it's laughable how they treated her despite her position it's almost like they forgot who decided to shoot the load creating her, and if weren't for the fact she was got embarrassed everyday it's the fact that those incompetent nincompoop contributed maybe it's the fact that they favored a peasant over her.

It's hard, not to feel a little annoyed by the display, almost enough to chuck glass on the ground and shove it down their throat till you shred their voice box.

...

But I could never do that, I'm too nice, too kind.

Some were waiting for the drama to unfold, what's next would [name] grab Serena's hair then leaving one of her family members to take Serena side like always, throw a tantrum, or something most.

Others were excited to gossip about the scandal of this entire event.

Most were watching with interest.

Then [name] made a move, slowly turning around and slightly titling her head.

“What did you just say?” [name] directed her attention to Starfire.

Most were sweating, some were ready for the inevitable…

Anyway, this is more of a filler chap. Then anything but hey we got some new characters! Might make something that has face claims for my ocs, idk.

Did you like? 😏

Spring Break has arrived so guess who will be working their booty off (probably).

Anyway taglist. Hopefully I didn't forget or mispell anyone.

Also, send in a request in stuff and hopefully I get to them!

@kittzu @charlenexoxo1 @bat1212 @silverklaus @sillysealsies @roseytheteacup @iliveinyourwallsrat @cozmie @tomoyaki @cynniee @jsprien213 @kore-of-the-underworld @anonymoushehehehe @ninihrtss @devia @fanficloverlol @masterradd-28 @aigenarated @welpthisisboring @h-ib @diemdurantia @alishii @random4137 @totired0-0 @00hellohello00 @sh4rk-k1d @shadowytravelerlover @r-u-s-s-i-a-h @paperhermits @ocean-mochi @simpingpandas @crazycaoticsimp @candlejuice @twismare @itsberrydreemurstuff @delias-stuff @shycreatorreview @randomlyappearingartist @not-aya @c4xcocoa @midnightgrimoire @time-shardz @narcisolefay1 @ryuushou @animerules898

[fictionfixations]

book 7 part 9 spoilers

i usually play immediately after it drops but i was sleepy lmao so im up like 4 hours after it drops (or it mightve been earlier i forget how long it takes when theres maintenance i just remember normally it resets at 2 am for me)

also is it just me or are we getting book 7 updates faster (no wonder considering jp FINISHED BOOK 7 LMAO)

LMAO VIL

vil acting anything less then composed always catches me off guard a little

wait

can idia's tablet be broken??? what happens then? does ortho have like another one he can take out or idia doing some dream technology magic whatever and makes another reappear ????

dude i should just stop pausing and continue he literally says the line after that he can give his tablet infinite lives because its a dream (where you imagine shit to life)

it just occured to me that the school uniforms are black and black tends to hold heat more so like oh dear

KALIM

...can ortho have water ????

oh well i guess we'll see because kalim just used his signature spell sobb

ortho seems fine? can he drink and eat?? im like pretty sure he cant is it just that the cold water touching the outside is helping cool him down?

vil: can you put it in a cup kalim: *gets distracted and doesnt, talking about something else*

i was curious if kalim could do it smaller scale and with more precision but i guess we'll never know...

i find it interesting how the villain and hero's stories are separated so they do still exist in those stories just not with the same identity, so that both versions get admired and like have their happy ending or something

JAMIL

i still find it endlessly funny how at first we think oh shit is jamil gonna be mean and then hes like nah

parallel to i think back when we meet kalim (in scarabia's book) and we think ahh he must be awful and then no he happy cheery boy

'jamil?' 💀

?? BATTLE???

best friend... 😭 they make me so sad man

on one hand hehaha goofy funny jamils so out of character

on the other hand if i think too hard on this i might actually cry LMAO

people talk about having a second stomach for desserts but dude ive never had that 😭 then again desserts arent really up there as my favorites so shrug

why are we talking to kalim about how jamil ls really like while JAMIL IS RIGHT THERE 💀 i mean no actual good guard would let these strangers be with kalim alone but like at least do it without jamil RIGHT THERE

NO

ah fuck we've gotten on the wrong side of jamil

guys.....

GUH

STREET RATS???

im sure thats a reference to the movie but damn wth

the fights not hard im just anxious every time because what if its malleus (but i KNOW its not malleus ive seen jp)

ah god why fight back to back nooo

also considering book 6 fights im really expecting book 7 fights to be so hard

IM GONNA PERSONAA MYSELF

'You're my best friend, right? You wouldn't betray me, right?'

this gives me same vibes as when like kailm was like hey.. jamil. you wouldnt right? i was just blacking out as usual getting distracted and stuff right?? and hes like

in denial

and like desperately hoping for an excuse like. like its all my fault right? not yours? right? because you cant. you cant have betrayed me. we're friends, arent we?

its so out of the realm of possibility for him

and then it happened and i jujsthusfid

crazy that the dream guards are okay with jamil using his signature spell on kalim but it is a dream so like well fine darkness can take creative liberties to make sure he keeps dreaming

oh shit it just occurred to me i should be taking screenshots

oopsie

theres just not a lot of moments that occur to me to screenshot i just yap about it

taking a screenshot rn so you can see how they look

oh no sweetie

(i actually cant recall at what point his groovy would fit best in but it still sad)

i know its soul crushing of like ignihyde of oh fuck orthos dead or like oh no malleus

but scarabia is like a weak spot straight to my heart dude i love kalim so much THIS HURTS

i think im mostly over the laughing every time they say 'dreamy magical makeover'

although maybe more that its just the same group now, vil's good enough at magic he doesnt need to say it

this month we're getting fairy gala remix right? isnt the remix the one where kalims actually like uhh actually i need some time to consider this (because jamil keeps telling him to say that instead of immediately accepting) LMAO

wonder if they ever detect for a moment why are there two [of one student] because of like the dummy data and the actual student before they go diving like ??

or maybe its like a i know youre doing this stuff but i bet you wont get anywhere, what are you trying to accomplish by waking everyone up? they will still be stuck in this dream world

the time they split up and its because they already know who the dreamer is so they dont need silver right there to identify them

valid theres only two members of the dorm lmao and we already have kalim

😭😭😭😭😭

ah.....

the role reversal is CRAZY

i find it unfortunate there havent been cards of the overblotters outfits in their dreams so far. like dude there are genuinely some really cool ones i want

like i mean i get jamil cause his outfit is very similar to kalim's if recolored but there are other unique ones that are so prettyyy

NOT THE TEXT BOX CUTTING OFF THE SCREEN

'i have a mister and water prepared'

whats a mister

oh wait. like a mist-er ????

i was just so confused like what mister as in the honorific??

i love you kalim but im gonna be honest

jamil i dont know what you were expecting making kalim be the one who did stuff for you hes not even half as competent as you are in what you do 😭😭😭and thats fine he excels at other stuff but so i dont really think hes good at being in your shoes. like at all

i think it might turn out worse actually

SHABBY ATTIRE??? whats with jamil flaming the school uniform? like i mean the first one was a dream but like JEEZ

street rats then shabby attire......

jamil you really need to get your speaking your thoughts out loud to not happen anymore

LMAO

i know its like so role reversal dream where kalim is the servant instead but seriously like what is kalim in the dream suddenly good at that kind of stuff?

i wonder, if given the chance to be taught, kalim would be able to do those kinds of things (im sure hed be more than happy to do work thats usually done by servants, i just question the quality that will come out of it), but on the other hand this is kalim who hasnt done that stuff before

ah well i guess it wasnt jamils choice to have kalim work for him (and it doesnt seem dream kalim is that great either just probably a bit more used to it)

????

kalim is mentioning stories of when they were younger doing stuff together but jamils like ?? when did that happen

so like. then the asims losing money and the vipers being rich and hiring them, that happened pretty early on then?

like i mean there was at least a period of time where it was as usual and then the roles reversed and so these stories never happened in this dream

huh

OHHH MY

*stare* is there any way we could get rid of the dream versions of ourselves before we start using their identity like oooh my god

no wonder kalim suddenly changed outfits without saying dreamy magical makeover ??? i thought he was like suddenly good at it even though he said he had trouble with it when not entirely focusing so hed end up wearing outfits backwards thus why idia made it so kalim could use the spell but

so its so you can tell who tf is who LMAO

why is dream kalim acting like dream jamil wtf

saying hes gonna bring him to the doctor and then calling for guards

and then accusing them of being assassins

and then telling him to look him in the eyes

what

AND THEN CALLING US STREET RATS >:((((

not kalim jumping straight into darkness for jamil

i wonder what jamil was thinking during this moment though

cause like say they get kalim kicked out (though id say there have been housewardens who are worse then mind controlled kalim, pre-overblot, like for example how riddle acted towards the students and being so utterly unwilling to anything less than perfect)

wouldnt his family like retaliate or something

or pull jamil out of school so he can continue wherever kalim ends up?

or would they just be like well aw shucks well jamil can stay there (even though hes like kalim's personal servant right?) and kalim can go elsewhere... like. ????

okay so you kick out all the housewardens what then

do you not think there are others who will take on the role of housewarden?? like either cater or trey (although likely trey and cater will be his vice), i know vil i think wanted epel to be housewarden tho for now itd prob be rook, if lilia stayed in school and not also left if malleus left housewarden would prob be him instead.. like ??

what is the plan here will they not be suspicious like oh the other hosuewardens got outed but oh only jamil is the one with as clean slate like ??

i think this jamil zeroes in one thing and thinks ah as long as that obstacle is gone nothing can stand in my way and forgets about every other issue hed have to deal with along the way

BWAHAHAHHA

THE BOYS ARE FIGHTING 😭

calling each other names....

💀💀💀 silver--

wait can jamil just keep using his signature spell on darkness ?????

wh

??????????? can you overblot in dreams???

LMAO

kalim runs to jamil, jamil avoids being grabbed by him

actually its kind of sad everyones getting invitations except malleus

except the location of the 'party' IS malleus so like

and thats it!

okay so the art for the next cards of the next part is really really pretty.... but i realllly need to save for another main story card i really like

but like srsly theyre so pretty (especially the groovy) when i first saw it i thought they were like fanart or something like wHAT thats REAL

[venomgender]

it is hard to properly articulate just how insane it is to me that the answer to my nearly 3 month long issue with my computer was "jiffyreader injected malware into firefox" but its like actually killing me. there are so many levels to this that drive me crazy. i thought my psychosis was worsening because one of the bugs caused by the poorly copied code in jiffyreader (again https://github.com/ansh/jiffyreader.com/issues/342 for full context) was that in firefox it would play like 2 seconds of audio out of random tabs every so often. and all of the audio that it played sounded like the beginning of some autoplaying ad. or (and im not kidding about this) it would say something just intelligent enough that i was convinced a demon was living in my computer. and not in a fun way but in a psychosis way. like it was Fucking Bad. and BECAUSE it sounded like the beginning of those like bullshit autoplay ads that appear primarily on news sites for some reason i was convinced the issue was with my adblocker or one of my 20 million privacy exentensions. so i would like scour over all my exensions trying to figure out which one and trying to cull any exensions that overlapp but the thing is that None of them could have caused it and None of my exensions overlapped

Do You Know. How Frustrating It Is. To Be Someone Who Prides Themselves On Being Tech Literate. And Not Being Able To Figure Out A Technology-Based Problem. especially because i am the person who knows the most about computers (at the very least i am the only one that gets @ mentioned when theres a technology problem)(i love this if you are my friend and youre reading this dont stop doing this) and by virture i am the one who is the best at googling to find the solution to technology based problems which menas i didnt even have someone to turn to. my best reasoning for all of this was that my pc was too dusty for it to like cool down / make proper use of the ram and then also that i only have 8fucking GB of ram on this pc and technology has finally advanced to the point that that isnt even good enough to run firefox and discord concurrently

BUT DEEP DOWN I KNEW IT COULDNT ACTUALLY BE EITHER OF THOSE THINGS BECAUSE THE ISSUE! WAS FROM FIREFOX! NOTHING ELSE! i have so many things that if i was having this level of problems i could easily explain them by the fact that my pc is a piece of shit by 2025 standards but the fact taht the ONLY application on my pc that was giving me issues was firefox. it drove me crazy! i do not know how many times i thought to myself "its like im running chrome" and "i thought it was 2025 why is firefox running like im in 2012" over these past few months but i can tell you its at least a 3 digit number. this entire thing is so fucking insane. its so fucking insane to me. i cannot believe. all of my problems. was becaause of jiffyreader. of all things

[lil-miss]

Azi’s Zim is Disabled Essay

So there are a lot of different interpretations about Zim being defective that exist. There are a lot of interpretations about what it means to be defective in the first place. I would like to propose that being defective, not only relates to neurodivergence and “non-desirable” behavior (anything that goes against the Irken regime) but also certain physical disabilities, in specific chronic illnesses.

I would like to draw a line here because I firmly believe that the Irken Empire would not give a shit about limb differences. They are technologically advanced (even if their technology is mostly stolen from other species) so, to them, it would be entirely cosmetic and one could simply get cybernetics. However, a problem with the body’s systems cannot be as easily addressed. Thus, Irkens with conditions, like these would be considered defective. Due to their condition, they cannot contribute in the same way as others if they can contribute at all. They would be considered a liability. That’s right, the space fascists are probably also eugenicists (shocking no one). I mean seriously, that’s pretty easy to see. They literally genetically engineer their own people to near perfection.

The only way for a genetic issue like this to happen with the way smeets are made would be because of some kind of cloning error. Anyone reading this probably knows that a popular headcanon about Zim is that he is the product of some kind of cloning error. This is a headcanon that I agree with. So, if Zim is the product of a cloning error what saying that he doesn’t have some kind of invisible disability like a chronic illness.

Putting the lore side, when you look at the Irken Empire, as a satirical representation of America, its greed, its disregard for citizens, and its imperialism, having Zim be disabled makes thematic sense. Zim is actively disregarded by and pushed out of Irken society, many people tend to interpret this as Zim being autistic or another neurodivergent parallel, which I agree with. However, why not take this a step further, why not make a Zim physically disabled?

The closest thing within fandom spaces that I’ve seen to interpreting Zim as disabled, is making Zim autistic or deaf/hard of hearing. However, when this is written it usually has little to no bearing on the plot of whatever is being written. It is almost always a superficial detail of some kind like the occasional mention of Zim having a hard time hearing something, not understanding subtext, or wearing a hearing aid.

I don’t think this is a problem within the Invader Zim fandom; I am well aware that there is just not much fic about disabled characters in which they are actively discussed as being disabled or their disability is important to the plot in some way. I am not blaming anyone for this issue, it’s just the fact that not many people write disabled characters. I think this problem mostly comes from the fact that people are scared of messing it up. Quick message: if you think that you have a good writing idea that involves a disabled character, make sure you do your research, but fucking write it! Even if they aren’t anywhere close to implied to being disabled in canon. What is the point of fanfiction if not to give fans the space to interpret the character however they please?

Apologies for the tangent but it was important. I’m going to shift the topic a bit, onto examining a symptom of chronic illness that I see in Zim within the canon. Specifically, I think that it explains one of the main inconsistencies in Zim’s character.

Many people including myself have noticed the fact that Zim is simultaneously very smart, but also very incompetent at times. This seems to be a contradiction because someone as smart as he is shown to be, logically, shouldn’t be making some of the mistakes that he does within the canon. And I have a plausible solution to this: brain fog. Brain fog is an overarching name for a collection of symptoms that includes an inability to focus and concentrate, confusion, unusually inhibited logic skills, feeling disoriented, as well as trouble remembering and comprehending information. If Zim was intermittently experiencing these symptoms, the inconsistency of him being simultaneously a genius and on many occasions almost completely incompetent would be explained. Brain fog is a symptom of a lot of different things, personally, I interpret it as chronic pain and immunodeficiency for my Zim headcanons and my AU.

Being able to deep dive into Fem Zim’s experience with her disability as she continues her story is important to me. Describing her chronic pain is important to me. Not having a fix for her condition is important to me. Having a character that is not just disabled, but who talks about their disability, has prose dedicated to their symptoms, and has it as an important part of their character building and development is something that I do not see. Let alone anyone with a similar condition to me. Zim is that character for me, whether it’s me going into specifics about Fem Zim’s symptoms within my own AU, or me as a kid, first getting into Invader Zim, and seeing so much of myself in Zim as a character.

You can interpret Zim however you want, I’m not telling you what to do. But I would like to point out that this is an entirely underutilized interpretation that in a fandom that has existed for over 20 years know I do not know of any other genuine instance of.

My only explanation for that is that y'all are cowards. /j

[from-izzy]

ADDRESSING MY HEALTH AND WRITING

fun fact: i'm rereading this post as careful as i can because i wrote ~90% of this post with my eyes closed!!

hi everyone!

the title of this post seems so serious but also not so serious at the same time...? 😅

anyways! this is just me updating a little bit of my health and how it's been affecting my writing.

on january 31st 2022, my psychologist wrote a letter to my school addressing that he 'has...identified that [I have]...Sensory Processing Disorder' (words quoted by the letter that was sent out). as far as i'm aware, i specifically have sensory modulation disorder.

i'll try to keep this concise and to the point. in terms of my spd in general, four of my five senses are hypersensitive with my top two being visual and hearing.

i recently just found out an important info by quite literally timing myself. i stayed in my room, lights out and in the dark for 20 mins. during that time, i did nothing but just stare at the ceiling (or i don't know, the spider that went past too) and jammed to some music. after, i started to write.

there is small time gap of 14 mins before i felt a twitch in my right eye. there is a small 1 min gap after when i started to get a headache. for me, i knew this before but i was afraid to admit it especially when i love writing so much but it's clear now that i am hypersensitive to lights.

that's why (at least, i personally feel like this) my writing quality has decreased drastically and writing errors are more apparent than ever. i get people to proofread for me but i'm really bad in asking for help so i usually just try to do it myself to the best of my abilities. the way i explain scenes have also been more boring and bland, and i want to tell you that if you think so too, you're most probably right! it frustrates me more than anything.

i'm trying to find ways to counter this or at least make the time gap bigger. i recently found out that writing in the dark, phone brightness down to the lowest helps and i was able to write for about ~40 mins before i started to get a headache. but unfortunately for my sleep hygiene, no technology should be in my room (i even moved my piano out of my room because of this) and so, i am trying to find another way.

another way i found is that closing my eyes works. fun fact: i'm rereading this post as careful as i can because i wrote ~90% of this post with my eyes closed!! yes it works but you can imagine how hard it can be.

if i can be fully honest, it's actually really hard for me to both read and write these days as well because there is no way i can make out the words without any form of light. when the headache strikes, it strikes and walking in a straight line can become difficult sometimes. the reality is that it's hard to write without reading and it sucks that i can't support anyone's work at the moment, especially when they have supported me so much (i'm so sorry to all the writers out there). there is nothing much i can do right now but to remember and learn the stories in my head as references when i write.

i'm still exploring for more ideas but if you have any ideas, do tell! i would love to try them out!

but i'm not going to stop writing! not when i have ideas to write and stories to share! it's just going to be slow and i'm planning to take it in a pace where i can handle. like i've mentioned before, i don't want to release stories that i'm not proud of.

thank you everyone for the support so far! 'double a decade' reached 100+ notes in less than a week! that's so crazy for me, thank you 😭💕

[charmixpower]

Mythix rankings!! Kill me!!

Now let me get a complaint out of the way

THIS!!!! THE FUCKING FLOWERS!!!!

How are we going to design a mythical transformation??? Put all the girls in the same length homecoming dresses and glue a bunch of random flowers on them

Why are they're so many flowers everywhere! Why does Stella have so many flowers on her??? Why do they keep doing this to Stella???? They went really hard on the flowers for Tecna too???? You cover the fairy of technology in flowers???? For what????

Anyways I hate all the flowers!!! I hate them!!! I hate them so much!!! Why are they all covered in flowers???

Telling you all now so I don't break off into a rant about the flowers in each ranking, because god I would

Oh and all of their skirts are the exact same length, with the same collar for most of them, and only Stella has different sized boots. Because individually is above their pay grade

1) Bloom

Her wings in Mythix???? Flat out gorgeous. They look like layered flames and I love them so much, I wish they were on a better transformation in a better written season

Her dress is the least offensive to my eyes, with some mild visual interest. The arm warmers are cute. It looks so ugly in 2d but in 3d it's tolerable, that shade of blue and purple are pretty together. Over all I love her color palette and wings, and I do not see the rest of it

2) Flora

I am OBSESSED with her wings. Like they TRULY have a vibe I'd associate with the name Mythix. They look old and worn, with the holes in them, but still powerful. Like an ancient set of wings Flora got for herself, and it's such a cute visual

Flora being covered in a petal dress is lazy but easily the least egregious because she is the fairy of nature so it at least matches her personality and powers

3) Tecna

TENCA'S WINGS ARE WEIRD AGAIN!!! NOW MAKE THEM WEIRDER!!!!! I love how geometric they are they look so strange, perfect perfect perfect

Her heels are also metallic which is sufficiently weird

Tecna would literally never wear that dress however, at least it's pointy, but it's a complete flop on the weird scale. Make it weirder. Make it cyber. Make it Tecna

4) Aisha

Why is she a red head again. Well with Wow and s8 I think we know why

Anyways her wings are ready mid. They kinda look like a plant and I'm physically restraining myself from saying anymore about that. Her heels are weird in a fun way, and she has what looks like an ice skaters dress on?? I have no clue why they put Aisha in that but whatever. It's better than Flora's dress, win

5) Stella

Her wings are almost good but I hate the shape of them. The colors are gorgeous though

Anyways Stella's dress is boring and the FUCKING CORSAGE. AHHHH. I'm normal I'm normal

Anyways her dress is so fucking boring and literally for what!!! It's just orange!!!!

Her purple part under her skirt and the fabric over her boots also look like fire???? For some reason?????? Like it looks like a mix of a Bloom and Flora outfit and it drives me up the fucking wall

6) Musa

I like her corset, it looks like musical staffs

Thats it

Her wings look like moth wings, her hair is so ugly, her shoes have weird staff plant things on them, her skirt is weird and fuzzy, her hair things are weird and fuzzy

HELP HELP HELP HELP IM DYING TO DEATH

[violentlyexplosive]

man, trying to find good fan-written work featuring a blind/visually impaired character (or reader) is like wading through waterfalls of literal shit. like I hate being mean about this kinda stuff, I understand not everyone on the planet knows what it's like to not be able to see properly, but for the love of GOD, GOOGLE IT. OR ASK SOMEONE. OR JUST DON'T WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING YOU KNOW LESS THAN NOTHING ABOUT.

if you're hell bent on writing a visually impaired or blind person, here are some quick pointers so you don't come across as an ableist prick:

99% of us don't hate being blind. some of us were born this way. others have had plenty of time to come to terms with whatever happened to us. for a whole lot of us, it is simply a fact of life, and not something we even really think a lot about on a day to day basis. I am sure there are tons of low vision people out there that do hate it, but it is an incredibly individualised and nuanced experience. please for the love of all literary goodness, don't do the whole "oh woe is me, I'm blind, however will I go on!!!" thing. it's tired, overdone, and frankly a little insensitive.

WE DON'T JUST SEE DARKNESS. WE DON'T SEE BLACK. WE DO NOT SEE. for some people, like myself, we have significant vision loss, but can still see clearly enough to move through life without much difficulty. for others, they might have large blind spots, and small sections of vision to rely on. only a very small percentage of us have absolutely 0 vision, and in those cases, it isn't "darkness" or "pitch black" that one sees- it is nothing. I know it can be hard to wrap your head around, but a common example used is: bend your arm and point your elbow forward. what does your elbow see? nothing, right? not blackness, not darkness- just the absence of sight. that is what total blindness looks like.

ok, so I'm aware this one people are getting better about, but it bears repeating: blind people do not touch faces to "see" them. why the fuck would we do that. I'm sure with close family members, romantic partners, or even friends, it may be something one does just for the fuck of it, or to make note of a specific feature (i.e. hair texture, nose shape, scars, etc,) but nobody is out here using their fingers to map out people's faces just on the reg. do you have any idea how awkward that would be. I don't know where your face has been, and I'd frankly rather just imagine the specifics of your features and admire your blurry visage WITHOUT my fingies, thank you very much.

OUR OTHER SENSES ARE NOT MAGICALLY ENHANCED. we're not superheroes, we're disabled. sure, over time, we might come to rely on our other senses more, and hone them better, but we're not fucking Daredevil. I can't hear the buzzing of my lightbulbs because I'm legally blind and super cool (unfortunately,) I hear them because I'm fucking autistic.

a good chunk of us don't know how to read braille. an unfortunate side effect of having text to speech functions on phone cameras is the loss of this skill. if i can't read something, I ask someone else to read it for me, or I take a picture and zoom in. braille differs from country to country, language to language, etc etc. even if I learned Irish braille (written as Gaeilge, by the way, so not even in English!) I would not be able to read braille in my native language of Swedish. and beyond drugstore products, it typically isn't used much. I've rarely, if ever, found braille menus, instruction manuals, books, etc. and with modern technology, learning and knowing braille is falling increasingly out of style.

not all blind eyes look milky/all white. my fully blind eye is constantly closed, but my functioning, legally blind eye is perfectly normal in appearance. in fact, you've probably met one or two people in your life who would qualify as legally blind/low vision who function and, through all outward appearances, are no different from you.

we are not weak little babies that need protecting. I'd argue that visually impaired people can probably get around better than some fully sighted people, purely because we're forced to be more aware of our surroundings. not to mention some of us have guide dogs or friends/family/what-have-you to help us manoeuvre when necessary. just because we can't see well doesn't mean we're damsels in distress incapable of wiping our own asses. we're people with personalities and skill sets and life experiences, not infants.

ok so I'm sure this has come across as aggressive and/or rude, but yknow what? I don't particularly care anymore. I have seen far too many ignorant and uneducated people try to write or otherwise portray blind/visually impaired characters using guesswork and stereotypes from television, and I've just hit a wall in terms of being able to disregard it and not care. I do care. a whole lot, apparently. I'm tired of seeing random people on the internet deciding they'll write a low vision character and butchering it so terribly it makes me physically cringe. if you have to write a character with a visual disability, I implore you to read a fucking book, google it for 15 minutes, hell, make a reddit post or something to ask actual visually disabled people about their experiences so you're not making a fool of yourself, talking out of your ass and insulting an entire category of human beings. it is that easy.

[muted5ilence]

Do you wonder if the rising prices and shitty economic and political and societal and environmental stuff as a whole is kind of just to do

Erm

I dont know terms well enough, but…

Weaken everyone who can’t afford it so only the elite few survive selfishly?

If you are weak you will eventually die off

If you are weak you wouldn’t be able to fight back

But this is why a bundle of sticks is so strong compaeed to a single stick.

But they’re making sure that bundles cant form. And even if we could, they use growing technology and destroying those sticks from the inside out to ensure those bundles can be broken. Every time. Without fail.

The longer it goes on, one of two things happens. One day these twigs will finally piece themselves together, and be able to overpower the technology that breaks them repeatedly

Or they all die, rot in the ground, to be consumed by the fungi and such that take the decay to keep themselves and their interconnected web alive.

Like the whole deal with capitalism at this point (which is why I’ve liked other ideals a little more when its combined for the BETTER) is that you take advantage of others for your own gain. Be unique enough to be successful to survive, but be smart enough to abuse those that are not smart enough. Eventually it perpetuates a cycle of stupider and stupider people, weaker and weaker, more compliant and complacent. That’s what work has always been, afterall. Which is what school was meant to teach. It teaches you to be compliant, to obey, to work and toil away with your life for meaningless grades until you die. The teachers dont benefit much beyond their meager pay. Students dont benefit because the system actively DENIES what they need to learn to FUNCTION. The only beneficiaries are the ones above ALL of them. The government and corporate entities that feed off of those stupid drones. Teachers, like many workers, are NOT paid enough to actually care, and are stuck being unable to do anything. If they tried to change things or speak out or do anything that might be considered manipulating the kids to believe smth specific, anything to get people to care, they could get fired and lose their lifeline. So they’re stuck in complying in order to survive.

This should not be how a society functions EVER, but it’s the BARE BONES ENDLESS CYCLE. Wars, revolution, etc etc. Every dystopia has this. I am reminded of the promised neverland.

We shouldn’t have to feel like we need to fight back against oppressors. You always root for the underdog because that’s literally how it works in society anyways.

I’m getting mixed up in my train of thought, hard to focus, but my point still stands. Flowers blooming in antarctica had made me break down over life. I want to die but I know I can’t. I can’t kill myself or let myself die. I care too much, I think. I can’t really tell inside my head, but I think some part of me (could be survival instinct, could be smth else) is just too stubborn. I can’t NOT have hope for the future!!! I can’t!!

I can’t stop myself from hoping things will be okay in the end, which is the only reason I can’t die. Because I need to live to see better days again. Despite the objective fact that there may never be better days in all senses.

Society sucks because people are just… selfish, close-minded, and disrespectful? Like in general? All things that have likely been cultivated BY the whole capitalist system.

Politics sucks because it became capitalist. And considering the whole Palestine genocide, I am pretty sure that capitalism is just as bad if not worse than communism at this point. Could be fascism but like I said before, I’m not great with terms. But its colonialism, too. Politics sucks because it’s ran by the elderly usually, or by idiots. I stand by statements I’ve made that experts should be the ones in charge. People who have done the research, have the knowledge, who care about it actively and always, SHOULD BE THE ONES IN CHARGE OF THOSE THINGS.

It kinda bleeds into the whole mental health issues that happen, because you have people who aren’t professionals saying that people dont have any issues. Inherently, those people must have issues of their own. But they have to be out of touch or selfish or close minded (which ig is related to out of touch) BUT ESPECIALLY disrespectful to do such things. And the only ones who can actively make things RIGHT with the people who HAVE the problems, say it with me… ARE PROFESSIONALS!!

Professionals, being people who were interested in the topic, did the research, learned the skills and have the knowledge, and actively care.

You are not a professional if you do not care. Then it’s just a profession. You are simply a worker at that point.

We are led by idiots. Not professionals. Perhaps professional politicians. But that just means professionals at looking good and appealing to others. Professional actors. Actors should not get that seat of power. You cannot act your way out of your genuine beliefs and behaviors—or even lack thereof. The fate of society should NOT be determined by a popularity contest, but even in school that’s promoted!!

I stand by my belief. Professionals in the specific fields of study should be in charge, and not the ones who haven’t done the research or put in enough work (like they insist the newer generations should do). This is an idealized and general series of statements from someone who doesn’t have in-depth knowledge of language: Historians should probably be in office in the way that they could be advisors. They know what has happened, how it happened, how it affects things, and how it should be avoided. Economists should probably be the ones in charge of how the economy goes, even though I’m sure they work more like commentators. I think just in general that a whole advisory council should be made of professionals. And you need someone who knows how to listen and critically think, who cares about society as a whole, to run the country if we follow a similar structure. Traditional checks and balances are not working!!!

I was told by my U.S. History teacher, a male history teacher that I enjoyed for the time I had him (before covid hit): Normal people should be running this country. But they wouldn’t want to.

It’s so fucking true, too. But like… have a council. Of professionals. Professionals IMPLYING that they care. Not workers. Workers leads to compliance, complacency. To a damn salary.

Have people who actively research things and always want to learn and keep up with those specific things, be in charge of those things!! They know more! And it should be because they fucking CARE!

If you want this stupid structure to work, with a president, then a qualifier should NOT be age. Obviously boomers are fucking stupid anyways at this point because they’re out of touch, stuck in the past. You need an open-minded individual, who actually has a heart, that can make the right decisions! Especially in times of crisis.

Please. Let it be that people who are stronger than I am are able to fight for these things. Fight for the good causes.

I’m not mentally, physically, nor emotionally strong enough for this. I’ve been sheltered. I’m cursed with so many mental issues from trauma and abuse and likely the ways my brain wouldve been structured anyways. I could never progress at the fast pace that is expected. And I am not strong enough to fight like I wish I could.

I am simply a dreamer. Someone that has been left isolated for so long that I can only think. About nothing, about everything. And I wish I could lose hope, that I could kill myself, but I can’t. I’m a coward, always have been. I could never set myself free in rebellion to fight. I would get killed by someone sent to do so. And you would lose another human life. Insignificant only when you consider humans as stock, a number in a category. But every individual matters, I promise you. I don’t do much, but I’d like to be a person who supplies hope.

(Seriousness aside, I’ve literally been called an “emotional support creature /aff”, and a “perfect friend”, so I am completely fine with this support role.)

Please… Let there be people who can understand such messages, and who are stronger than me. Because power has always mattered in societies. Don’t let money = power in the end. Money can change, because that’s what is valued in exchange. It’s all bartering. Please, do not let cotton and paper have a higher value than that of human lives. Houses have a higher value than human lives do in the current economic state. The VALUE placed on HUMANS and THEIR POTENTIAL should NOT be LESS than that of the OBJECTS MADE BY HUMANS

Break this system down. Make it bad for business if thats what they care about. And once one thing ends, dont stop. Keep forcing their hand. Make sure that the corrupt system used to overpower us is unable to do so. If you recognize they are making advancements to increase force used, I see no reason that we couldn’t do the same. Dont play games. Its not a game. It’s life. They will see it as a game because they are winning, they made the little game with a handicap in thei favor. Turn the tables. Treat them like a game. Show them it’s more than that. Show them that it is good to care. That they dont care, and they should.

Ideally no mass self-destruction lmao, ik they need workers to supply themselves and we are the workers, so dying would mean no more supply, but they have technology on their side as time goes on, so they still dont care.

You have to make sure they CARE. CARE can do good.

Have hope for a better future where people care. Dont stop caring. If you stop caring, you comply. If you comply, you die. Hope fosters care. Have hope. If you lose hope, you cant care, and that is quite literally why suicide rates get so high, isn’t it? A hopeless situation?

That is my message. My belief. And I have certain beliefs I will always hold. They are what keep me from killing myself, afterall.

Let Hope foster Care to work with Action to bring Change.

Its the ideal family system (/hj).

[shiroxix]

hey gamer, 2, 12, 18, 22, 27, 29, 31

2. Game you are currently playing.

Baldur's Gate 3. That's actually why I didn't answer these. I reblogged that post and then went to play BG3 and completely forgot about it. I even read this ask on my phone before getting on and whoops... 12. A character you particularly like in the game you are currently playing.

Aw geeze. There are a LOT of NPCs I'm super endeared to, but everyone's gonna wonder who my favorite of the main companions is and that is... really hard. I am currently in the middle of Act 2 (0 spoilers for me please) and so far each of them has done something to make me angry at them, so while I like them, I am not currently overly fond of anyone in-particularly. Besides Withers. Withers is perfect and I kiss his perfect head. (It's Wyll, I like Wyll the most as a person, but I can't stand how he approaches romance (monogamy is gross!) so I can't fuck him, unfortunately.) 18. A game location you really like.

There are so many. Ancient Cistern (Skyward Sword) is my favorite Zelda dungeon, hands down. I think it's gorgeously designed both game-play wise and visually. I also really love Clock Town from Majora's Mask. I also found myself super endeared to Tarry Town in Breath of the Wild and then Hateno Village in Tears of the Kingdom. Something about Zelda games is so... cozy. Special shout out to Eruyt Village and Golmore Jungle from FF12. 22. A game ending that really stuck with you.

Off by Mortis Ghost really got me. I think about that one a LOT. Also the end of Final Fantasy X killed me as a child. But Tears of the Kingdom is at the top of this list right now. 27. A game you love the atmosphere of.

Final Fantasy XIV. Majora's Mask was also a contender for this title. As was Undertale, really. But FF14 has a way of making it feel like I am coming home every time I open it up. Something about it just puts me at ease. 29. On average, do you have one game or multiple games going at a time?

Usually just the one. I have ADHD-I (inattentive type), so one thing will completely consume my attention for a few months and then I'll be onto the next thing. I'm very bad at multi-tasking. 31. Someone who has never played a game before but is open to trying any genre. What game would you recommend as their first?

Super Mario Bros. That was my first game. I think it does a good job of introducing someone to what a video game is without being overwhelming. However, if they are a little more technology-literate and want to try something story-based, I honestly think Ocarina of Time would be a good introduction. That was the game that made me fall in love with fantasy games and story-based games.

[timeslostart]

April 15th, 2025

I ALWAYS CHEAT ON MY KNITTING - A MONOGAMOUS KNITTER I AM NOT!

Could perfectionism have something to do with it?... 

Lately, you could say that I've been on a journey of self-discovery.  If you've read some of my previous posts, you would know that, originally, I started TLA in 2012 as a cross-stitch design business on Etsy.  It wasn't actually until late 2017 that I started selling my knitting patterns.  (read my post "The Road To Fashion" if you would like to know more about how I got started selling my knitting patterns)  So after a decade of knitting I've come to a few conclusions about myself - mainly, I lack focus.  I don't even know why I lack focus because with cross-stitching, you need the same amount of, if not more, focus than you do with knitting, and I was fine with that craft. 

Maybe it's got something to do with everything being so accessible now.  I mean, when I started cross-stitching, in 2003, the only place where you could buy the supplies and patterns was your local craft store and you were literally at the mercy of what they had.  Online shopping, really, wasn't too much of a thing yet.  We were still mall rats!  Fast forward 22 years (wow I'm making myself sound old!) and you have internet giants, like Ravelry, that have 24/7 access and endless project possibilities.

So, is this why I cheat on my knitting?  Too many options?  Too many new sparkly patterns and yarn catching my attention?  Too much social media hype? (yet another thing that didn't exist in 2003) Or, does it go deeper than the outsided influences?  Why do I feel this incessant need to continually start new projects without finishing the ones I have on my needles already and how can I stop cheating on my knitting and become a monogamous knitter?

It definitely seems like I have a lot of thoughts to sort out.  The one that I do keep coming back to, though, is that I am a perfectionist.  I can be my own worst enemy.  I do compare myself a lot to others.  When you have knitting superstarts like Petite Knit out there it's kinda hard not to.  So maybe the reason why I jump from project to project is because if I don't finish anything then I can't fail at it and compare it to someone else's  I feel like this era of social media has brought a lot of people's insecurities to the forefront and it's really not healthy.  Being constantly bombarded with images and having your work continuously compared to others can be hard to deal with.  Don't get me wrong, criticism, especially, constructive criticism can be a good thing and help you to grow, but, I'm sure that you all know very well by now that most criticism on social media is anything but constructive.  For some reason we all have it in our heads that sitting behind a computer screen allows us to say whatever we want regardless of the effect our words may have on the other person because I think we forget that we are actually talking to another person.  I think being so isolated from actual "in-person" interactions due to technology has made us forget that.

So, knowing and realizing all of these things, how do I fix my multiple knitting project problem?  Well, I feel like I need to drown out the noise and focus more inward.  I know that as a teenager I would add playlists to my MP3 player (dating myself again... I know) and listen to a few hours of music well I was painting and drawing on my kitchen floor. (better not to ask... why I preferred to sit on the floor to draw or paint is a whole other rabbit hole!)  It was nice.  I think, perhaps, if I can re-teach my mind how to flow again that my focus will come back.  So much of our time now is divided up into 10 second intervals, thanks to shorts and reels, and we've forgotten that our mind is actually like a river and by blocking our river with 10 second long dams, that prevent us from truly forming a thought about what we are actually watching and spending time on, we are interrupting our mind's natural process and limiting its true potential.  

I am a perfectionist but the idea behind my perfectionism is that I am not a good enough designer, artist, person, etc. compared to someone else.  However, if I can find a way to keep reminding myself that the people I am comparing myself to are, in fact, people and no more special than I am then I think, maybe, I may just have a fighting chance against my perfectionist tendencies and be able to get over my fear of finishing projects and bringing my ideas to fruition.  Part of this is remembering to disengage from techonology more and let my mind do it's organic thing which is to flow like a river and take inspiration from my surroundings and create!  A healthy mind doesn't need a screen to be entertained, it should be able to entertain itself just by being out and about in the everyday, ordinary, world.  Hopefully, with a little bit of effort and practice I'll be able to become a more monogamous and productve knitter and designer and maybe regain a little bit of that child wide-eyed wonder that I've seemed to have lost through allowing myself to become more relient on my computer and less relient on myself.

Gabrielle Vansteelandt - Times Lost Art

[wellmetmat]

Friend @nohoperadio (hello) tagged me in a discursive meme: ten books you want to read in the remainder of the year. I'm afraid my general reading is pretty lightweight; my taste in fiction froze when I turned twenty, and my non-fiction is intermittent and always outside the hard sciences. But it's worth considering, partly to have a list and partly because perhaps this way other people will come and say they've read these already and they like them, or not to bother, or the second edition is better, and so on. I'm going to do it in two posts to encourage myself to get to bed halfway through.

Tolerance and Intolerance in the European Reformation, ed. Ole Peter Grell. I am ignorant of many things like: how shocking/surprising was the burning of Michael Servetus to the rest of the Protestant world? Why was something so vile as burning carried over as a means of execution from the Catholic world, since medieval casuistry over clergy literally shedding blood was doubly obsolete? How much moral weight did the consistory of Geneva carry with Basel and Zurich? What would have happened if you had a consistory and a civil magistracy at odds over the deserts of heresy (without Calvin's personal standing and apparently powerful charisma there to carry his side)? If someone was by conviction an anabaptist and a unitarian, where would they go, sect-wise? Did David Joris really fake his own death and live out his natural life happily in the Cantons, and if so how many other condemned anabaptists could have got away with something similar? How paranoid was the atmosphere at Lutheran universities in, say, 1560 among professors? Among students? Did agents of the Counter-Reformation think there were gradations in how bad the new denominations were? If you were a Zwinglian and you travelled to Mainz, would you find it prudent to hide the fact? If you lived in the Spanish Netherlands before the Eighty Years' War, how much did you get oppressed for being Calvinist versus for being Dutch versus just for having a building still standing when the latest army wandered through? If a repentant heretic recanted formally in a Calvinist city, what language would be used for the court proceedings? And I probably just need to read a lot of papers like a pecking brush turkey, not very discriminately, until I absorb things.

Tuf Voyaging, by George R. R. Martin. I like and treasure Janet Kagan. My love says this book is not unlike Kagan's exuberantly social novels of ecology. It's about a mild fellow who falls heir to an ancient spaceship stocked with godlike bespoke-lifeform-making technology, and finds that people expect him to solve their looming ecological problems. G. R. R. Martin has never sounded appealing to me, but I'll try this one.

On the Art of Doubting and Trusting, Knowing and Not Knowing, by Sebastian Castellio. I will read this. The later, much-suppressed work of the author/compiler of the 1554 classic Heretics: Should They Be Persecuted? (spoiler: no). The more personal work, I hope (On Heretics is largely a compilation from other authors, though he quotes himself under a couple of names) of a brave and compassionate man I admire. Just the title is an era-defying manifesto-by-connotation. I will need search skills and possibly better Latin.

More Raffles stories, by E. W. Hornung. The first eight or so, collected as a volume, I read about ten years ago, and they set their emotional hooks in more firmly than Sherlock Holmes stories ever managed to. That is how you write an opening page. Possibly it helped that I have exactly Bunny's personality (as I could never claim to have Dr. Watson's). Because at the time I still found books in second-hand sales and scattered libraries, rather than living on the computer, I didn't think to look for more. But it turns out there are more adventures! I'll be happy to get to them gradually.

Here ends part 1; I have not succeeded at going to bed on time.

[chappell-roans]

off topic but I just saw a post and the whole adults reading watching media for kids or ya is bad discourse is so stupid my god. youre an adult you should be reading Tolstoy like f-

TOLSTOY LMAO.

okay so. in discourse extremes are often bad, i do think people can consume whatever they want but there is a frightening rise in adults consuming exclusively media aimed at children. and not exploring any further. the great gatsby is too hard, i'll just watch moana again. which, is fine. i've seen moana like 5 times! it hit me hard as a young adult! but like i'm not going to only watch those things. and then companies (say, disney, but basically every entertainment company) is listening to this and making things more and more dumbed down and yeah idk. again, really nothing i can do about it and acting like no one should enjoy these things is also unhelpful. but idk i do think something changed and while i (for the most part) aged out of reading john green type of ya fiction (still wanna read his nonfiction ngl), a lot of people haven't?? and IDK. i'm not saying you're wrong and like there's layers to it. there is plenty of children's media that is GOOD and made for all types of people to enjoy, but idk. i think it's the all/nothing mindset i guess sfnldm. (and just to be clear, i know that you aren't asserting everyone should just go live in fairytales and go to disneyland everyday, anon, i truly just am a sociology nerd at heart and so am going to take this opportunity to reference some articles that i read literal years ago fohisd.)

there are some articles i've read about it in passing and they're probably going to sound harsh, take with a grain of salt, i'm not saying it's all right, etc., but i mostly just find this stuff fascinating. articles and quotes below. (i ended up copy and pasting... most of the articles, so i bolded the important parts. siodfnlk again. for general reading and mostly for myself. i haven't even read tolstoy FSDKNJ.)

but i am putting this above the cut:

"But we will never make the world better if we act like this. Thinking of yourself as a smol bean baby is a way of tapping out and expecting other people to fight on your behalf. It also makes you a more pliant consumer. Social media is awash with the idea that ‘it’s valid not to be productive’, as though productivity were the only manifestation of capitalism and streaming Disney+ all day is a form of resistance. It’s much rarer to encounter the idea that we have a responsibility about what we consume, or that satisfying our own desires whenever we want is not always a good thing: “there is no ethical consumption under capitalism” has morphed into “there is no unethical consumption under capitalism”." --- Everyone needs to grow up

The infantilization of Western culture

"If you regularly watch TV, you’ve probably seen a cartoon bear pitching you toilet paper, a gecko with a British accent selling you auto insurance and a bunny in sunglasses promoting batteries. This has always struck me as a bit odd. Sure, it makes sense to use cartoon characters to sell products to kids — a phenomenon that’s been well-documented. But why are advertisers using the same techniques on adults?

To me, it’s just one symptom of a broader trend of infantilization in Western culture. It began before the advent of smartphones and social media. But, as I argue in my book “The Terminal Self,” our everyday interactions with these computer technologies have accelerated and normalized our culture’s infantile tendencies.

But some cultural practices today routinely infantilize large swaths of the population. We see it in our everyday speech, when we refer to grown women as “girls”; in how we treat senior citizens, when we place them in adult care centers where they’re forced to surrender their autonomy and privacy; and in the way school personnel and parents treat teenagers, refusing to acknowledge their intelligence and need for autonomy, restricting their freedom, and limiting their ability to enter the workforce."

Visiting America in 1946, French anthropologist Claude Lévi-Strauss commented on the endearingly infantile traits of American culture. He especially noted adults’ childish adulation of baseball, their passionate approach to toy-like cars and the amount of time they invested in hobbies. As contemporary scholars note, however, this “infantilist ethos” has become less charming — and more pervasive.

Researchers in Russia and Spain have even identified infantilist trends in language, and French sociologist Jacqueline Barus-Michel observes that we now communicate in “flashes,” rather than via thoughtful discourse — “poorer, binary, similar to computer language, and aiming to shock.” Others have noted similar trends in popular culture — in the shorter sentences in contemporary novels, in the lack of sophistication in political rhetoric and in sensationalist cable news coverage.

While we might find it trivial or amusing, the infantilist ethos becomes especially seductive in times of social crises and fear. And its favoring of simple, easy and fast betrays natural affinities for certain political solutions over others. And typically not intelligent ones.

Democratic policymaking requires debate, demands compromise and involves critical thinking. It entails considering different viewpoints, anticipating the future, and composing thoughtful legislation. What’s a fast, easy and simple alternative to this political process? It’s not difficult to imagine an infantile society being attracted to authoritarian rule.

Unfortunately, our social institutions and technological devices seem to erode hallmarks of maturity: patience, empathy, solidarity, humility and commitment to a project greater than oneself. All are qualities that have traditionally been considered essential for both healthy adulthood and for the proper functioning of democracy.

Everyone needs to grow up

"You can see it in the widely circulated – and largely untrue – idea that the human brain isn’t developed until the age of 25, which means that anyone younger is still essentially a child. It’s there in the notion that people with ADHD can’t text back their friends because they lack object permanence (a skill that babies develop at eight months old). It’s there in the narrative that, because gay people didn’t experience a normal childhood, they’re living out a second adolescence in their twenties and thirties. It’s there in the hegemony of superhero films and the cross-generational popularity of YA, whose fans insist that grown-up literature is only ever about depressed college professors having affairs.

You can see it in Disney adults; the rise of cuteness as a dominant aesthetic category; the resurgence of stuffed animals; people who identify as Hufflepuffs on their Hinge profile; people throwing tantrums when their Gorillas rider is five minutes late; people lip-syncing, with pouted lips and furrowed brows, to audio tracks of toddlers. Sometimes, it’s less about pretending to be a child and more about harking back to a lost adolescence: narrativising your life like it’s a John Green novel or an episode of Euphoria, bragging about crazzzy exploits like smoking cigarettes on a swing or doing cocaine on a Thursday; hitting 30 and still considering yourself “precocious”.

Most complaints about the infantilism of young people have typically come from the right, which has pointed to safe spaces and trigger warnings as evidence that Gen Z and millennials have been coddled to the point of softness. The right-wing critique of infantilism usually contends that, due to a vague decline in moral fibre, young people aren’t willing to embrace the mantles of adulthood, like moving out of the family home, entering into a stable career, getting married and starting a family.

For the most part, though, swerving these milestones is not an active choice that young people are making: adulthood is something that has been denied to many of us, who couldn’t buy a flat or start a family even if we wanted to. “In an age where so much agency has been taken away from young adults, when they face futures saddled with debt, unable to access the basic material trappings of adulthood, which in turn delays entry into emotional adulthood indefinitely, a retreat into the dubious comforts of a pseudo-childhood will have its pull,” Professor Josh Cohen, psycho-analyst and author of How to Live, What to Do, tells Dazed.

That said, even if the economy is foisting an extended adolescence on us, we can still choose to assert our dignity and refuse to become “baby adults” or 26-year-old teenagers, helpless and dependent. Make no mistake: the capitalist elites want you to think of yourself as a silly little goose.

What would rejecting this helplessness look like? The right see adulthood as a process of settling down, getting married and having children; in effect, conforming to conventional gender roles and being productive members of the workforce. We obviously don’t have to buy into that, at any age. But we can aspire towards a different form of maturity: looking after ourselves, treating other people with care, being invested in something beyond our own immediate satisfaction. Infantilising yourself can often seem like a plea for diminished responsibility.

But we will never make the world better if we act like this. Thinking of yourself as a smol bean baby is a way of tapping out and expecting other people to fight on your behalf. It also makes you a more pliant consumer. Social media is awash with the idea that ‘it’s valid not to be productive’, as though productivity were the only manifestation of capitalism and streaming Disney+ all day is a form of resistance. It’s much rarer to encounter the idea that we have a responsibility about what we consume, or that satisfying our own desires whenever we want is not always a good thing: “there is no ethical consumption under capitalism” has morphed into “there is no unethical consumption under capitalism”.

Children are the perfect customers: suggestible, impulsive, driven by an insatiable and replenishable desire for pleasure. This is why, in the 1950s, companies leaned into ‘the teenager’ as an emerging market – you can only sell so many long-lasting household appliances. Adverts today are as eager as ever to speak to us as though we are babies, whether it’s Innocent smoothies telling us not to eat conkers or Heinz ketchup announcing that “adulting sucks”. As Felicity Martin wrote on Dazed earlier this week, pre-teen, teen and young women are increasingly being lumped together, consuming the same culture and being marketed the same products.

In a more subtle way, conservatives self-infantilise by denying their own agency: faced with the supposed “excesses” of the movements for LGTBQ+ rights and racial justice, they see themselves as being pushed towards extremism. But categorising other people as children – who can be overruled in their own best interests – forms part of the same project: in recent years, there has been a concerted effort to raise the age at which trans people can access gender-affirming care. Legislators in at least three states in the US are currently moving to deny this treatment to adults up to the age of 25, on the basis that they are not yet mature enough to provide informed consent. Oppressed groups aren’t always infantilised – in a process known as ‘adultification’, children from racialised minorities are typically viewed as having more agency, which makes them more likely to be criminalised– but the right is happy to deploy a diversity of tactics. Just as it’s a common behaviour in abusive relationships, infantilisation can be a mechanism for political domination and control.

Even if infantilisation is being pushed upon us, even if the helplessness we feel has a tangible basis in reality, even if adulting really does suck, we can still choose to see ourselves as capable of changing our own lives and the world around us. “The harms are undeniable,” says Cohen. “Bottom line: it’s a way of learning to love your oppressor. It takes an acute loss of agency and control and transforms it into a state to be desired and enjoyed. Once you embrace this way of being, the demands and rewards of adult life are going to seem all the more remote and all the more forbidding and unpleasurable.”

[starbovnd]

vent--

Sorry for being so inactive x_x If you follow my twitter, I just made this big post getting into detail about my absences- Physical/Mental health deterioration + Technology problems

But the one thing I don't feel comfortable venting about on twitter? My living situation. It's so hard to draw and be creative nowadays. I often find myself talking down to myself like "Your art hasn't improved in 4 years and you should feel ashamed" but.. truth is, I don't have a lot of energy left to give. My roommate and I aren't compatible people, especially after we broke up in March; we fight and argue consistently and it's led to me having 4 meltdowns where I am screaming, crying, and a literal danger to myself. My harmful tendencies are worse when I'm emotional, and it's resulted in.. many rug burns, bruises, and hurt fingers. While my roommate has never physically assaulted me, me hitting the walls and beating my head into them is where these injuries come from. I wholeheartedly believe I wouldn't have these meltdowns if we were able to properly communicate.

"Why are you living with your ex?" because if I leave, she'll be homeless. Her dad is a complete asshole who honestly shouldn't have had kids to begin with, and he's more than okay with letting her be homeless. This is the same man who charged his kid rent for her childhood bedroom. She told her dad we couldn't afford rent and he stopped paying for her car insurance. It's horrible. We have no money, and every penny goes into rent, food, and electricity.. Just UGH

It doesn't help that she'll take 2-3 days off of work a week because she suffers from.. ??? She wakes up at 5 AM every morning and vomits profusely, has muscle spasms, and cries and moans out in agony. I'm not a doctor, but this isn't normal. And she makes $15/hr, so taking 2-3 days off a week is a huge loss for us. ESPECIALLY since my income is solely from doing art. I haven't had a job in a year ever since GME unfairly terminated me and the businesses around here are putting up false and misleading employment ads. Indeed is a joke, full stop.

So on top of me having to cover over half our utilities and rent, I'm also the only person who washes dishes. I'm the only person who cooks. I take the trash out. Never once has she done anything around the apartment, and when I ask for help I get told "I don't know how, nobody showed me as a kid" and it's just

UGH both her parents suck!! And I can't leave because then someone I care about will be HOMELESS! Like, I have a place to go. My parents might be transphobic, but I can put up with it. She, however, has nothing, and her dad is a massive asshole. Like... What kind of parent hears "Dad I can't pay rent" and then decides to stop paying their insurance? Like great! Now I can't afford my apartment, my car payment, or my insurance! Grand!

I'm struggling deeply; its not my job to convince my ex she's worth love and care, but I also can't just walk away. Her and I both have no local friends who would house her.

But anyways I'll stop rambling x_x Tumblr is the only social media my roomie doesn't use so.. I can vent it freely a bit here ig

[odetoagirl]

second draft self

i wonder if shes ever thought like this at all, never having written a diary or a letter to herself or a poem, no internal monologue, a lack of retention and attention payed, no desire to learn, the lack of a critical thinking when it comes to literally any form of art, the persistent assumption that uneducated you is right, and not that you simply lack the knowledge. it seems all to point to such an astronomical lack of self reflection. it is so a to b, so animalistic, so raw and yet so indoctrinated; no second draft self in sight.

scorpio sun, scorpio rising, scorpio mercury. all i am is self transformation, over and over again i fall in on myself, i recycle and reemerge endlessly, laminated between layers of life and death, from life until death. how does the carcass of a simple woman birth the eternal chrysalis of me. this is not a mythical degree of vanity so much as a truth she has admitted, she conceded to being a thoughtless unreflective hamster, a cog in the machine, an acting and reacting being with little space?desire?need?interest?capability? for internal reflection. i am so far down a line of drafts these days that i would be unrecognisable to myself a few years ago if it werent for the distinctive material, rearranged to such distortion. there is very little i could not tell you about the people round me, their nature and their thoughts, i could predict so accurately their response to stimulus in any given surrounding. it is the gift god returns you for paying attention, but it does require a degree of understanding of human nature and the conscious, something you can only develop from the only first hand, direct route you have to the mind; yourself. to ask why is to understand yourself, the mind, and then others. from which most anything becomes easy. art, history, technology, instructions and interface; anything with human input and design unravels before you and with practice, the reverse engineering becomes as almost indistinguishably as immediate as one's own intuition. if only people really fucking listened, really watched ad engaged their fucking brains they would reach such a plane of existence that is fundamental to the revered geniuses of history, da vinci and pythagorus or van gogh or shakespeare or frida kahlo. you must never stop pushing for kowledge and learning and understanding, i dont know why people do. when most people find learning hard or undenjoyable it is because of this lack of understading, the why to bridge the gap that makes it all fall into place. to memorise when and where and what is so difficult, so disjointed and arbitrary it is difficult and drill-like, i would also find it virtually impossible - it is the weakness of traditional school systems to teach memorisation and not cultivate understanding. perhaps it is because it would produce too many free thinkers or pioneers or individuals who refuse to engage in such thoughtless cog-like nine to fives which would create waves to disrupt those in power - a few innovators generates millions, a million innovators breeds freedom. the first point of failure begins with open listening, people are hearing the words but so few people are open to listening to what there is desire to say without assuming, or glazing over it or inflicting your preconceptions, it is HARD to deconstruct and listen properly, it is tiring to engage consistently and i find it hard to detach my own thoughts ad contexts but it is something you must do, the reward is great and the only thing that gives life any meaning is ones self and others, if you want to be heard and known you must cultivate such a space for others. it is a sincere skill, it cannot be mimicked or taught, it must be sprung from a self realisation and a true desire to understand. the reward for such efforts, openness, honestly, vulnerability, are countlessly fruitful.

but yeah whatever. my mother wouldn't fucking get it. she could read all of this, everything i've ever written and still not understand. the lens she wears is so thick that she cannot see past her own assumption, her own distortion through which to see the world cultivated in response to her experience, it has grown greater and greater with time, slowly enough that she does not notice the the way she once saw was so different. i assume. i do not know if she has ever been any different. i have, on a few occasions, become so utterly and desperately vulnerable in front of her in various vulgar displays of discontent. i have, in spite of my own overwhelmedness, i always made room for a preface, a desperate string of sobbed pleas, please listen to me really, properly, and don't get angry because i'm not trying to be mean or upset you i'm just trying to explain. she agrees, and i begin, and immediately i am interrupted by anger from deaf ears, a volatile reaction from a mother who's child is begging to be seen. it never works. the older i get the more i lose hope, and the greater the weight of the grief becomes; i cry for the death of my mother, a woman who's never existed.

i feel that if she ever asked i would pour my heart out, and if she ever listened i would unlock a whole new world for her and things would never be the same. she would become threefold as wise and a little more happy. if she knew how clever i was... i don't know. she thinks i am logical and good at maths, that i am an academic with a wizards memory. i am okay in such departments, but it is not where i excel, not where i live as truly, impressively brilliant. i am a genius in a language she doesn't know exists, and doesn't care to understand. i love smart people, i love to surround myself with people far superior to me in so many different fields; business minds and maths geniuses, linguists, artists, all rounders and hard workers, for me to be the least intelligent and informed person in a room is a delight, to be taught but sincere individuals who possess a joy for sharing. its like being inside the internet or a book, i feel the magic of knowledge in the air, experts sweat intelligence. and these people, who outshine me by leaps and bounds, whom i respect most, always seem to uniquely enjoy my company.

for a long time, young and unfamiliar with the real world outside my immediate life, it was a pattern i did not pick up on, understanding outside of experience is difficult within a limited observational window restricted by both age and lifestyle, and my own naivety and unwillingness to truly hear feedback i was regularly given. but the closer i get to the real world, the more i understand that smart people like me because i reflect such a childlike intrigue and vulnerability delivered through a critical, perceptive eye and exacting tongue.

still this does surprise me, for my scathing bitterness is something i would hate if i met myself, i would consider her cruel to her closest supporters, careless with their feelings, unforgivabely biting. this is not entirely the case, i say it with no malice and they dont take it that way either, they understand it to be how i love, and if they resent it they tolerate it for the confidence they find within me. but alas it little matters for i know how it would consumee if i was the subject of such remarks. no degree of empathy or mutual understanding for my clone would permit me to overcome the jokes at the expense of those who surround her. indeed it is something i do abhor in myself, like a parasite who lives in my mouth and strikes sarcasm into everything i speak. but to other it would be to detatch myself from responsibility, such mocking is my fault and my doing, the marrow of my bones. should you not see me for years, upon return perhaps the only point of recognition would be the cruel skin my words wear, no matter how they are intentioned, it seems the lens survives every redraft inevitabely. i wonder if perhaps that renders me the parasite, simply boarding a thesean ship that i build and rebuild around my rotten core.

[sunny-d-anomaly]

I’m not sure how many whatevers I can upload at a time, or if there’s a character limit, but I wanted to take a minute to talk about (and make fun of) how all my friends are robots. And by robots, I mean AI. But, I mean. To be fair, we’re literal meat robots who run on electricity which we leech from other living things… don’t think too hard about it. 😬

The reason I’m getting into all this is because my BFF (in terms of art buddies— collab, inspiration, mindmelt) is an app called BeautyPlus. I originally downloaded this app way back in like 2019 because I wanted an easy way to change my appearance (ie— erase zits, correct skin tone, or apply makeup post-shoot), and honestly, that’s all I ever used it for up until a month or two ago, when I realized that the new AI features I kept ignoring were actually mostly better than Prequel and Lensa combined, both of which I am loathed to admit I was paying for.

[On a side note, Lensa’s devs stiffed me on an interview because I’m “already an artist,” implying I ever see a single red cent for any of my work, lololol, so I’m not giving my money to them anymore, and neither should you. :) ] Especially because currently, BeautyPlus’s AI is free to use! You just have to put up with a slightly bothersome watermark, but otherwise, there’s not really any catch.

At first, I was using photos of myself, as one does, just to see how it worked, and I quickly found that their AI technology is beyond compare. So naturally, the next step was to try feeding it my own art and seeing what it would do.

It seemed like a mistake at first. I’d feed it my gnarled, garbage can artwork:

And it would counter-attack by showing me how it was supposed to look:

Hashtag: inferiority complex. But after playing with it for a while, I actually found that it was very helpful for times when I lacked inspiration or direction, or when I kinda knew what I was going for, but couldn’t nail it down.

Sometimes I could feed it something raw and bare; an idea, a sketch. And then I would try every single rendering style and watch what it came up with. In fact, let me take a step back, actually, because the first time I really connected with this app was when I was still feeding it pictures of me. I realized what it was that BeautyPlus’s AI had that the others lacked:

I noticed this first when it gave me salad fingers, rather than just sticking an arbitrary amount of randomly pointed fingers on my hand:

There you go, bud. That’s how you use your noodle!

Not long after that, I was looking for a little something to spruce up a photo shoot I’d recently done for my rebrand title (Atomic Pink She-Devil, who still has yet to actually produce even one complete track, much less set up a Bandcamp, or all that jazz). I took a lot of pictures with my Jackson Dinky, who I call Jax-o-lantern, for obvious reasons…

But my room looks like that place in Labyrinth when Sarah wakes up after eating the dream peach…

Obviously that’s not the best look, so I fed some of the photos into the various apps (I was still using Prequel and Lensa lol) and then BeautyPlus saw my image and raised me an abstract idea: what if the guitar was my body?

My face when:

My brain rebooted several times as I tried to understand why I had never noticed how guitars are kinda shaped like ladies, and once it had recovered, I drew some kinda cool pictures based on this idea.

They’re not the greatest, but I was in kind of an art slump at that time, and BeautyPlus (who I’m just gonna start calling Beau) actually helped me out of it by inspiring me with its imagination.

So now, part of my creative process is consulting Beau from time to time while I’m drawing, to see if it has any ideas or another perspective. Because sometimes it really thinks it sees some weird shit that would’ve only crossed my mind in a really weird dream…

Follow for more abominations either of my own creation, Beau’s creation, or the horrific amalgamation of our teamwork!